PosLife - HIV and Me

Today, I got some results back, and as is general form, Amy came to wait with me. I wouldn’t have minded half as much if the wait hadn’t been one of an hour and a half. I would have minded less if my appointment hadn’t been at 2:45. And I would have been totally fine if I hadn’t have had to go through all of that for a 20 minute consultation and a physical. But that’s the National Health Service for you.

I had a fairly decent physician today, though. She was about mid thirties with a good manner about her. She agreed that my counsellor in Hull is feckless and should be put down, and that my GP clearly has Münchausen’s-by-proxy. Which is nice. So then we got down to some talking, and the results came out. I won’t bore you with all of them, because I had about 13 blood titres taken and it would be a waste of space here, so the two most important ones are down there.

CD4 count – 330 (This is low, and the next result made me wonder why.)
Viral Load – 625 (This is actually very low, which Is why I was wondering about the CD4, but anyway…)

The viral load is worked out on a log system – that is to say, it goes up in multiples of ten. So you have 10, 100, 1000, 10,000, etc. Having said this, 625 is a fairly low count. It also means that I probably haven’t had this very long, which is maybe a good thing. The CD4 count being so low, however, means that the subject of treatment was broached. To be honest, I probably won’t need treatment until my CD4 count is less than about 250, but it’s nice to know that I might need a soon. Do I mean nice? No, I think I mean useful. Of course, it’s hard to make a full assessment of a CD4 count using only one blood titre, as throughout the course of HIV, my CD4 will fluctuate. It will go up, stabilise, then have a rapid drop. Wash, rinse, repeat. But enough of that. The biology of this disease is probably the last thing any sufferer wants to have to read about.

The physical was the usual. I had my eyes checked, throat checked, was pokes and prodded in the chest and abdomen, had my stomach cyst grabbed and twisted. And then I was told I would have to go and have a routine chest X-ray. So off me and Amy toddled to the LGI X-ray department, for another 15 minute wait, followed by possible the quickest “shirt-off-stand-there-we’re-done” procedure I’ve ever been through. And so it was done. And then I had two pints of cider and black.

So I’m feeling… well, just as ambivalent as I always did about it. My heart was in my throat when the CD4 count was read out as I knew it should be in the thousands (not the hundreds), but I suppose for now everything is still alright. I’ve got my medication leaflet to look through and panic over when I have the time and the energy. But that’s not now. It’s later. Now I’m busy ignoring it, and trying to cope a bit more…

PosLife

It’s Monday the 17th (Happy Saint Patrick’s Day, people), and I still have no news with regards to the final run of tests on my HIV. Last Friday, I decided to call the centre in Hull where I was first diagnosed, to try and get some news, but all I was told is that the lovely Janet, my so-called counsellor and feckless cow extraordinaire, has buggered off to the Bahamas for a week. She didn’t pass my notes on to her colleague Jill, and so all that Jill knows is that I don’t have gonorrhoea. Which is nice. And so ends the mini-saga of the gonorrhoea results (long story, but essentially the samples were sent off without the paperwork and so the microbiology lab had a conniption and decided that they weren’t going to run said samples. Children.)

And so I have booked an appointment to go and see Janet when I get back to Hull, to “give her a good dressing down and forcibly remove her artificial hips.” This is what I actually said, and Jill agreed and gave me a time. We like Jill. But seriously, this is meant to be an update, and so I’ll do my best to let you know what’s going on.

I’m still fairly numb, but I know that any day now, it’s going to hit me. By keeping myself unfeasibly busy, I’ve managed to prevent myself from sitting down and really thinking about it because I’m a worrier at the best of times. I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone, but it’s just how I’m doing it at the moment. But I know that any day now, maybe a week or a month down the line, it will sneak up on me and club me round the back of the head. So I think I need to be prepared. Having finally got a chance to talk to one of my friends about it, it seems that it happens to everyone in this situation. And with this afternoon, I will be calling round a few more people I did a bed-share with, seeing if they have had a test recently. I know it’s not right to apportion blame right now, but it would sure as hell make me feel better.

So, what to do in this situation – keep on top of your counsellor – he or she might be great, but in the case of a lovely Janet, you need to change, sharpish. If you don’t like them or can’t seem to get along with them, they aren’t worth your time. Try to keep on top of test results. And stay calm, unless it has already hit you. And if it has, start to come to terms. Most importantly, try to cope. It’s all you can do.

PosLife

Today was along day. And just like Monday, I ended up coming home absolutely wankered and ruing it. So there we are. Today was my first full testing session of the lot. And so I guess it’s something to report on. The basic story is that I went to a clinic in Leeds and had a very large amount of blood taken while someone that I’m sure I’ve slept with tried to talk my through HIV and what it does. That was quite entertaining. I went with a mate, it’s always the best thing to do in case you have a nervous breakdown in the waiting room, and she waited there for a good 2 hours.

Try not to be the mate, it’s not fun.

So yes, I had seven tests taken. 3 for the immunology department, 3 for the microbiologists, one for the haematologists, and one for the sheer hell of it. These have all been sent off to the relevant departments, and within a week, I should have my baseline results back. Basically, this includes your CD4 white blood cell count, your T lymphocyte counts, and many others that they feel will be useful. These are the most important parts for it, and you really do need to make this test. It’s along trek from here on in, and this is just the first step. This time next week, I’ll know if I need medication or not. So I will more than likely keep you informed. If this is helping, please let me know. And do the same.

PosLife.

So at some point in the next few hours, I get to find out if I do have HIV. Aren’t I privileged? The ELISA tests all came back positive, and so for the past five days, prompted by the lovely counsellor Janet, I’ve been living out my first few days as a sufferer. To be honest, most of my time has been taken busying myself rolling cigarettes, cooking pointless meals and then having difficulties eating them, and taking myself off to my room with a jar of Nutella and a pint of milk. Being a bit emotionally numb gets very old after a bit, by the way. I think I’d much rather be a disintegrating mass of stress, but it’s hard to force that. So for now, I’m watching BBC1 and smoking a roll up, oh, and typing this.

I just think it’s worth pointing out that this isn’t going to be the kind of blog that rants on, where I let you know how I feel each and every morning. Nor is it the kind of place where I’m likely to go all Emo on your arse and break into self-pitying lyrics every now and then. It’s just something that I might need to get off my chest every now and then and might be helpful for other people. I don’t know. But you know, if you’re still reading, it proves I can write a decent introduction.

So anyway, I’m a 19 year old gay male. I’m also at University, studying what is possibly the worst discipline in my current situation – Immunology and Anatomy. The Universe loves irony, or so I’ve been told. And this is actually the first blog I’ve written, because usually I don’t like to talk about my feelings or exactly what I ate for breakfast. It’s dull. So maybe consider this something more of an advice page.

Well, as for HIV testing, this is how it worked for me. A random test that I had just to make sure came back showing the worst, and unlike most people, I didn’t have any idea that I was ill. Just a routine test. So when I was taken into the counselling room, my heart was in my throat. The first tests you will go through are ELISA tests, routine protein assays that show the presence of antibodies in your blood. When told that, even though the first two ELISAs had come back positive, there was a chance they were showing a false result, I got my misplaced optimism up. Then the phone call came later that night that two more ELISAs had been conducted and they has also come back positive, and so it was decided that the result would be positive. And I was almost sick.

So today, I’m waiting for my Western blot. This test shows that the antibodies they detected really were HIV. And from here, I’ll have to let you know. I’m sorry that at the moment there isn’t anything more I can add to the proceedings, but the first few weeks are really a waiting game. So I know what you’re going through.

PosLife