So at some point in the next few hours, I get to find out if I do have HIV. Aren’t I privileged? The ELISA tests all came back positive, and so for the past five days, prompted by the lovely counsellor Janet, I’ve been living out my first few days as a sufferer. To be honest, most of my time has been taken busying myself rolling cigarettes, cooking pointless meals and then having difficulties eating them, and taking myself off to my room with a jar of Nutella and a pint of milk. Being a bit emotionally numb gets very old after a bit, by the way. I think I’d much rather be a disintegrating mass of stress, but it’s hard to force that. So for now, I’m watching BBC1 and smoking a roll up, oh, and typing this.

I just think it’s worth pointing out that this isn’t going to be the kind of blog that rants on, where I let you know how I feel each and every morning. Nor is it the kind of place where I’m likely to go all Emo on your arse and break into self-pitying lyrics every now and then. It’s just something that I might need to get off my chest every now and then and might be helpful for other people. I don’t know. But you know, if you’re still reading, it proves I can write a decent introduction.

So anyway, I’m a 19 year old gay male. I’m also at University, studying what is possibly the worst discipline in my current situation – Immunology and Anatomy. The Universe loves irony, or so I’ve been told. And this is actually the first blog I’ve written, because usually I don’t like to talk about my feelings or exactly what I ate for breakfast. It’s dull. So maybe consider this something more of an advice page.

Well, as for HIV testing, this is how it worked for me. A random test that I had just to make sure came back showing the worst, and unlike most people, I didn’t have any idea that I was ill. Just a routine test. So when I was taken into the counselling room, my heart was in my throat. The first tests you will go through are ELISA tests, routine protein assays that show the presence of antibodies in your blood. When told that, even though the first two ELISAs had come back positive, there was a chance they were showing a false result, I got my misplaced optimism up. Then the phone call came later that night that two more ELISAs had been conducted and they has also come back positive, and so it was decided that the result would be positive. And I was almost sick.

So today, I’m waiting for my Western blot. This test shows that the antibodies they detected really were HIV. And from here, I’ll have to let you know. I’m sorry that at the moment there isn’t anything more I can add to the proceedings, but the first few weeks are really a waiting game. So I know what you’re going through.

PosLife