PosLife - HIV and Me

If you haven’t been here before, then maybe I should bring you up to date. My name is J, I’m 19, I’m a student at the University of Hull, and two months ago, I was diagnosed with HIV. And let’s be honest, the worst thing of the bunch is being stuck at Hull. Having a bit of a retrospective moment, I think I realised why I chose Hull. Now then, I study Anatomy and Immunology here – that isn’t what I wanted to do. Had I the choice, I would be at Bristol right now studying Immunology and Oncology – worst case scenario, maybe at Bradford reading Cancer Biology. But no, I’m at Hull. And I suppose that’s down to my partner. My partner lives near here, and I wanted to be with him. In the long run, I suppose this was maybe the best choice. A nice broad degree with the chance to specialise coupled with the chance to be near my boyfriend. He’s being very supportive, and he took the news better than I could have expected. So more power to him.

So, right now, it’s going on for 3am but I’m not sleeping. I suppose maybe I can’t sleep; I’ve had a fair amount circulating through my head this evening. What am I going to do with myself? Have I made the right choice with regards to me life, my health, my degree, maybe even my choice of man? It’s hard to tell. I’m making the best of the situation that I’ve found myself in. I’m working hard, I’m trying to push all doubts I have about my health, future, and relationship to the back of my mind so that I can really slog through the kidneys (renal biology is not my subject of choice).

To top the lot off, I may have to go onto medication next month. On the 6th, which painfully, is my 20th birthday. I cannot quite explain to you how… well, for want of a better word, sucky… that really is. However, if it needs doing, then it needs doing. And I’m going to have to cross that bridge when I come to it. This is my second month of HIV, my 7th month of Hull, and my 19th year of general self-doubt. As you can see, it’s going well, but I’m coping. I can’t really explain how, but I am. I keep going, and even though by now it’s on 3am, I think I can probably get away with four hours sleep and still function fairly well tomorrow.

So the only advice I can give you is to make the best of what you have, try to be happy, change your mind whenever you have the chance, and above all, to survive. Because when you stop surviving, then you stop doing anything.

PosLife

This Wednesday, and the blood titres that went with it, mark my first month with HIV. In all honestly, I’m still not sure how I feel about myself, and I suppose the only difference is that I’m starting to accept that HIV is going to be a part of my life for a very long time to come. Or not, who knows. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. But at least I’ll be wearing clean underwear… think on.

From this weekend, I will be back in Hull for a good long while, which is going to make everything that little bit more difficult. Having been given an ultimatum by the people at the clinic, I now have to choose whether I want my treatment to continue at their Leeds or their Hull branch. This is not helpful, as I split my time throughout the year in both centres, and they seem to be going out of their way to make my life that little bit more difficult. Therein lies the game… So, as it goes, this last set of titres will let them know if I need to start medication at the moment, or if it’s safe for me to carry on regardless for a little while. I’m hoping for the latter to be the result, because there’s one problem I may have overlooked.

I haven’t yet told my parent.

Yeah, I know, but sometimes I just think that they have enough to worry about without me coming into it. So I would rather not be starting medication just yet, because then questions would be raised as to what I was being medicated for. Oh god, it must be great to be straight. Of course, the need for medication would also imply that the disease is progressing rather quickly, which also stinks, but nothing compares to the wrath of a woman scorned. And she will be scorned. Believe me…

So now? I’m having a fag and surviving. But the next time I see a bus, I’ll try to coax it in my direction with a little treat.

PosLife.